WHS Never Sleeps

January bares all. A stubborn virus hanging on to Phia's body and January blah-ness has me daydreaming

Some days I dream the old, familiar daydream, of the early days when the doctors sent me home with the diagnosis of a wellness child. In my dream I remember thinking in 7 months she will be fat and sitting up on the kitchen floor, playing with toys and squealing with delight and all this smallness and struggle will be behind us. In my dream I feel I can manage this hardship and in just a few short months my child will fit the wellness diagnosis. I hear the relief in my mind and heart and sense joy.

A decade later, Father God, I still long for those feelings of having a wellness child. Grieving and growing. Growing and grieving.

Will it ever be just growing, God?

WHS never sleeps and it doesn't get tired. It has gotten easier, as she grows stronger, in some ways.

Today is a struggle...

On my knees. Holding on to this prayer, that I read this morning, for caregivers.

"Dear Father, sometimes my grief seems to much to bear.  Help me treasure the past without getting stuck there. And help me make my way through the grief while giving myself permission to acknowledge my pain and the loss. Forgive me for the mistake of ever blaming you for suffering instead of seeing you as my Savior in the suffering."